Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Is this it?

Ever since I was a little girl my mother ingrained in me that I would always, no matter what, be able to support myself. "You never know what life may bring you." I can still hear her saying this to me. Some background here - my father left my mother when I was ten. She was alone, having to support two children on her own. She has good reason to be paranoid about life. And so, after slicing a zillion bananas and picking just as many Cheerios up off the floor, I wonder - am I doing the right thing? Should I be home? Is this really what's best for our kids? That's what I'm struggling with right now. And yet - somewhere deep in the core of me - there is this driving force that keeps me going. I know I am created to do this. I have been equipped to handle these children and all of their messes. I think one of the greatest realization I have come to as a mom is this - my love, as deep and vast and unconditional as it my be, IS NOT ENOUGH. Isn't that amazing? Think about it? My love for these children isn't enough. Unless, I asked God to give me His love for these kids, I am going to fail every day. And I do fail. Almost everyday. Here's an excerpt from my journal after I had been home with the kids for two months:

"My patience is wavering. I love my time with both of them but there are days when I can't stand myself. Today I read My Utmost for His Highest and I gleaned so much. Unless I do everything in obedience to God's will, I will waiver in my pursuits. In other words, loving my children and taking care of them out of that deep love isn't enough. The source for what I do cannot come out of my own love, but out of my obedience and love for Jesus. When I become impatient and flustered it is because I am doing things on my own; my love just isn't enough."

So, to answer my question --- yes, this is it. Being home is the hardest, most tiresome, amazing job I've ever had. What are your thoughts?


Lorrie Briggs said...

Lizzy, I noticed that you left a comment to my question about what does the term homemaker mean to you. I loved your answer. I also had someone visit my site after being referred to it from yours. Thank you for putting me on your list of favorites. It is nice to know that someone is actually reading what I write. I think you are doing the right thing by staying home with your kids. I believe that this is what the Lord had in mind from the beginning. Keep on going. You will make it. I hope you will read my series on how to make the transition from work to home. Even though you are already there I think you may enjoy it.

Thaleia said...

Being a SAHM and turning into a WAHM is way too crazy some days! My husband lost his job in February and things have been interesting to say the least. It has been a great time for the kids to spend with both parents before the start of Kindergarten for the oldest in the fall, which is now less than 3 weeks away. Great post.

Aaron and Jackie said...

While I sometimes think, “Getting a bachelor’s degree was a waste.” It SO wasn’t! Had I not gone to college I wouldn’t have meet my wonderful husband and therefore probably wouldn’t be where I am today, which I wouldn’t trade for anything. It has taken me quite some time and some wrestling with God to get to the point of being content. But to know that I get to watch my son discover new things, play make-believe, sing in his sweet little voice and just be a boy, I am so thankful that I am able to be a SAHM. Thanks for sharing your insight/struggles LJ. It’s encouraging to know that there are others out there who think the same thoughts, and struggle with the same sin. PTL that God is a loving and forgiving Father!!

lizzyjane said...

Thanks for your comments. I am a firm believer that being honest about your struggles only makes you stronger. "when I am weak, then I am strong."